Another summer is upon us and another summer is here that despite my best intentions I will not be going to South America for the ski season. Why? I’m a loser, that’s why. Why should you go? Because, you are a winner, and that’s what winners do. In fact, I have become so adept over the years at not going to South America that I have chosen to utilize the depth of my experience to compile a comprehensive list of UNACCEPTABLE excuses for not making the trip this year.
70 reasons you shouldn’t go to South America this summer
1. I’m going next year.
2. I went last year.
3. My passport expired.
4. I sold my passport to a shifty Russian guy from Sacramento.
5. I’m on probation.
6. I’m technically a fugitive.
7. I’m afraid of flying.
8. I’m afraid of flying coach.
9. I’m afraid of leftist rebels.
10. I hate Pablo Neruda.
11. I have a job.
12. I don’t have a job.
13. They tell me that if I miss another car payment they’ll repossess my car.
14. They tell me if I don’t start repaying my student loans they’ll repossess my degree.
15. They say that if I don’t start repaying my bookie they are going to kill me.
16. I don’t know Spanish.
17. I’ve heard that Miles Clark is going and I hate that guy.
18. I watched Alive recently and it scared the sh*t out of me.
19. Culture bores me.
20. I’m discovering soul at Squaw this summer.
21. I have to go visit my family.
22. I have to go to my friend’s wedding.
23. I have to go to my sister’s wedding.
24. I have to go to my girlfriend’s, sister’s, best friend’s wedding.
25. I have to go to my own wedding.
26. I’ve heard that the toilets flush in the opposite direction and there is something about that that I don’t trust.
27. I’m afraid of catching World Cup fever.
28. My wife won’t let me.
29. I hate pisco sours.
30. My wife hates pisco sours.
31. I spent all of my money on a new fishing rod.
32. I wanted to spend all of my money on a new fishing rod but I spent it on new brakes instead.
33. I spent all of my money on a new computer so I could write stupid pointless lists for the internet.
34. There is no Epic mix to track my stats.
35. I’m afraid of the Ucu (South American Yeti).
36. I don’t like to stay up late.
37. I don’t like to party.
38. I find attractive foreign girls distasteful.
39. My wife finds attractive foreign girls distasteful.
40. I’m concerned about feral dogs.
41. I really enjoy road biking.
42. I have to road bike to raise awareness of some disease that everyone is already aware of.
43. I really enjoy stand-up paddleboarding.
44. I have to paddleboard to raise awareness of some disease that everyone is already aware of.
45. I have to Instagram photos of myself doing stand-up paddleboard yoga.
46. I can’t find anyone to dog sit for me.
47. I can’t find anyone to babysit for me.
48. I can’t find anyone to feed my goldfish.
49. I’m afraid I might miss the James Bond marathon on TBS.
50. I lost my GoPro so what’s the point?
51. I’m going to Napa instead.
52. I’m going to visit my wife’s family in Portland.
53. I’m going to visit the world’s largest prairie chicken in Rothsay, MN
54. I have to train for a triathlon.
55. I hate poma lifts.
56. I’m dead.
57. Ok, I’m alive, but I died on the inside years ago.
58. They have a whole different set of nighttime stars which I find unnecessarily confusing.
59. I’m afraid I’ll miss my fantasy football draft.
60. I heard the iPhone 11 might come out and I need to be in line to get it.
61. I’m afraid to try new things.
62. I’ve heard that the hotel at Portillo has no TV.
63. I lived next to a bunch of loud ass J-1s last season and they really pissed me off.
64. I’m afraid of ancient Incan curses.
65. It’s not going to snow anyway.
66. I knocked up my girlfriend.
67. I knocked up my wife.
68. I knocked up my neighbor’s wife.
69. I knocked up my girlfriend’s neighbor’s wife.
70. I hate Chinese food.