According to a recent study conducted by the Coast Guard, nearly 83 percent of U. S. Coast Guard mariner rescues since 1960 have involved stupid behaviors and/or people. Despite the presence of stupid actions and/or people, the Cost Guard continues to handle every situation with a sense of urgency and equality. All of the on-scene commanders will handle the rescue in a professional manner, but many will admit after the fact that the situation involved dumb people.
“These statistics are unthinkable. Our service prides itself on response time, SAR organization, and comprehensive rescue pattern analysis. But it’s tough to stay on task when the bulk of these cases involve people paralyzed from the neck up,” said Coast Guard spokesperson Lt. Carla Willmington.
To conduct this study, the U. S. Coast Guard Office of Search and Rescue examined nearly all cases handled on inland and offshore waters from 1960 through 2014. Following the Federal Boating Act of 1971, increases in cases by “fucking idiots” and “goddamn morons” have been staggering, and very challenging to the Coast Guard due to troubles operating under their minimal budget. This Federal Boating Act laid out the guidelines for modern day recreational boating and the safety measures that should be taken.
“I joined the Coast Guard because it seemed like we were the only military service operating even when we weren’t fighting in some war. But then you realize we are at war, against an army of dipshits with boats,” said Operations Spc. Bill Horvath, of Sector Humboldt Bay.
Between 2010 and 2014, the most recent years studied by the Coast Guard, incidents involving “total assholery” increased from 10,687 to 38,335. Those numbers are staggering, especially under their minimal budget. When boating in U. S. Coast Guard waters, remember to be prepared and use your head, so you don’t add to the numbers in this study.
“I’ve seen some pretty stupid shit in my time. Why would a boater decide it’s a good idea to sail balls-first into a hurricane with zero lifejackets, zero flares, and apparently zero fucks? Why even make an effort for these people? I’m all for a Darwinian Search and Rescue Plan, if you follow me,” said Willmington.